mamma mia (here i go again)
Jan. 14th, 2025 07:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theultimateburritocould it be... is that... yes! yes, if you squint against the light, you'll confirm that it is, indeed, me!
episode one: i made it through 2024 and all i got was a good time
hello, all! i hope that you're doing well as can be, whatever that looks like for you at the present time. i'm checking in but it's funny because... well, i'm truly always logging on, so it feels silly to act like i went anywhere! more like "long time, no post" i guess.
i was talking with a good friend of mine recently, who recently made their first dreamwidth journal, and it had me reflecting that i've been fooling around on this site since at least 2012. that's a lot to think about! that at a certain point, you tip into a territory where you're able to say "i've spent over half my life doing this" and people believe it on account of it being TRUE! time truly moves forward. at least, so i've been told. i don't really think anything is linear, but what do i know?
where i've been
this is gonna sound wild, but 2024 was a great year for me. connected with great people, contributed to great art, was able to see my folks, go to great shows, get closer with my partner, watch great movies. i really loved it, really enjoyed who i was in it. and it was long because we did so much stuff! maybe i'll get granular about it on another post but the point is this: i enjoyed my time.
now, i'm gonna let you in on a little secret. come here, get real close. sometimes... i play pretend on the internet. most of the time, actually! in daily life, yes, but also i like to rp a lot. it's what first drew me to dreamwidth after the big livejournal exodus, actually. one part fannish kink memes, two parts pretending to be some anime boy on the internet. i've had a really lovely time connecting with old friends (who greeted me with open arms as if i'd never left- it had me tearing up at my day job) and connecting with the joy of writing again. that's part of why i've always gravitated toward rp, is being able to turn a the solitary hobby of writing into something powerful and connected. i'm under no illusion that writing for rp and writing prose is the same-- it's got super different goals in mind. but it's really the fact that i'm uncorking my brain, letting enthusiasm guide my way. and that's what this is all about!
i think there's a lot to learn about yourself when it comes to playing pretend. be it smashing anime barbies together via dreamwidth or running alongside the lake with your partner pretending to defend the camp from shadowclan... it loosens you up, i think. helps you take yourself less seriously. i say this, but some folks are quite serious about it in a way that often feels detrimental. connect with your own joy, i say! experiment with what feels good to your brain and chase that! so much in the world seeks to benefit from your lack of joy and you can fight the powers that be with one (1) good jolt to your innermost id. what is that for you? i'd really like to hear about this.
the other benefit of playing pretend is that you don't get caught up in the trap of "what if i think of something better?" better dialogue, better scenarios, better characterization. there is only now!! playing indie ttrpgs during peak pandemic really helped me get over this. the best answer is the one that's most exciting RIGHT NOW! have fun and let loose.
if you're looking at a great game to play with a friend that speaks to this, i highly recommend "end notes" by elena murphy, in which you embody a fic writer and a commenter in the comment section of their fic. the best version of this game is when you make up your own fandom and put together what this nonexistent fictional property looks like via the negative space around your comments. you'll find a loving comment on the itchio page from me because i have played this game like 5 times and have a blast every time. get on it!
where i am
short answer: figuring it out! long answer: a blog post!
my leisure time now looks a lot different than it has in recent years. for a while there i was really going full nose-to-the-grindstone with my art career. and i haven't abandoned that, no, but i'm less intense about it. my eyes aren't glued to residency applications, frantically reworking my cv in pursuit of that coveted opportunity. i'm not signing up for every market or trying to get in on every show. i'm just kinda... letting myself hang out and write with the gay people in my computer!
right now i'm trying to intake more. when i run out of words i realize it's because i haven't read much. when i feel like i'm not imagining very much, it's probably because i haven't watched many movies, read many comics. so i've been trying to get to the movies more and watching more at home. some good irl friends of mine had the smart idea of dropping their streaming services and only going to the library OR our local video rental store (yes they exist and yes it owns). so i'm taking a leaf from their book and it's been nice. also listening to a lot of new music which is fun. considering those "whats in my bag" videos from amoeba records to be music recs.
currently i'm reading a book called "bad taste" by nathalie olah, a book about the politics of what's considered "ugly" and how this is a reflection of hierarchies that we quietly uphold through delineating good vs. bad taste. which has encapsulated a lot of my thoughts and quiet goals i've had for myself the past year. i'm getting more comfortable with the idea that i won't be appealing to everyone, be that through my personality or my appearance. both of which i'm growing to find quite delightful!
i'm also making efforts to be more okay with being uncomfortable, which i've been... remarkably successful at! i'm talking about the discomfort of learning new things and feeling a little out of your depth. i'm talking about your coworker saying some odd bullshit (read: casual unchecked bigotry) and the discomfort of not ignoring it-- asking, hey, what do you mean by that? i'm talking about the discomfort of telling your friends when they're not being very nice. that sort of thing. i think it's a good skill that i've struggled with developing. but 2024 surprised me and i continue to surprise myself! amazing what happens... when you believe!!
ultimately, right now i'm devoted to connecting with others. my friends on a deeper level. my neighbors that i've been too shy to talk to (the discomfort that comes from writing them a little note and the reward of them being very appreciative). my local foodshare volunteers. getting outside my own head is the key to making the inside of it a better place.
where i'm going
allow me, if you will, a soapbox.
i don't subscribe to the doomerism of my peers. now, don't get it twisted-- it's not great out there, and it would be disingenuous to say otherwise. unfortunately, i've always been something of a pessimist, so this may come as a shock to you that i'm saying this, but we're gonna get through this. it puts such a sour taste in my mouth to see the doomerism of a certain brand of folks online who have, it often seems, benefited from a life experience that inclines them to be surprised at how difficult things have become. when could this have happened? when this has been the reality for those who have had it hard for a very, very long time. this isn't to say that anyone's problems are small potatoes (i'm not about THAT train of thought either), more that the experiences of others may give you some insight into how to cope with life's difficulties, maybe show you that there is an imperfect future for us all. and if you're wondering about where i'm coming from with this, i'm a trans person in america so believe me. i get it.
i made an intertextuality post about this topic on my fanfic blog that encapsulates how i feel about all this. the world we live in might change but it'll keep going. we'll be different in it, but we'll be here. and we've got each other. people in power benefit from us turning on each other like hungry wolves-- let's believe in one another instead.
your required reading is "the world keeps ending, the world goes on" by franny choi, a poem anthology about precisely this topic. i think it'll help you if you fall into this line of thinking from time to time.
so now what?
i think you decide that. i think you know exactly what you need to do. what is that? let me know your thoughts, i really like to hear what you folks have to say. what are you proud of from 2024? what are you proud of now? what are you watching/reading/listening to? provide album recs because i'm working on that cd collection again.
media cited:
1. gif from "omishi magical theatre: risky safety", an anime dvd i found at the thrift store that's delighted me
2. "end notes" by elena murphy
3. "bad taste" by nathalie olah
4. "the world keeps ending, the world goes on" by franny choi
5. "sorcs 80" by osees mentioned in the description
hello, all! i hope that you're doing well as can be, whatever that looks like for you at the present time. i'm checking in but it's funny because... well, i'm truly always logging on, so it feels silly to act like i went anywhere! more like "long time, no post" i guess.
i was talking with a good friend of mine recently, who recently made their first dreamwidth journal, and it had me reflecting that i've been fooling around on this site since at least 2012. that's a lot to think about! that at a certain point, you tip into a territory where you're able to say "i've spent over half my life doing this" and people believe it on account of it being TRUE! time truly moves forward. at least, so i've been told. i don't really think anything is linear, but what do i know?
this is gonna sound wild, but 2024 was a great year for me. connected with great people, contributed to great art, was able to see my folks, go to great shows, get closer with my partner, watch great movies. i really loved it, really enjoyed who i was in it. and it was long because we did so much stuff! maybe i'll get granular about it on another post but the point is this: i enjoyed my time.
now, i'm gonna let you in on a little secret. come here, get real close. sometimes... i play pretend on the internet. most of the time, actually! in daily life, yes, but also i like to rp a lot. it's what first drew me to dreamwidth after the big livejournal exodus, actually. one part fannish kink memes, two parts pretending to be some anime boy on the internet. i've had a really lovely time connecting with old friends (who greeted me with open arms as if i'd never left- it had me tearing up at my day job) and connecting with the joy of writing again. that's part of why i've always gravitated toward rp, is being able to turn a the solitary hobby of writing into something powerful and connected. i'm under no illusion that writing for rp and writing prose is the same-- it's got super different goals in mind. but it's really the fact that i'm uncorking my brain, letting enthusiasm guide my way. and that's what this is all about!
i think there's a lot to learn about yourself when it comes to playing pretend. be it smashing anime barbies together via dreamwidth or running alongside the lake with your partner pretending to defend the camp from shadowclan... it loosens you up, i think. helps you take yourself less seriously. i say this, but some folks are quite serious about it in a way that often feels detrimental. connect with your own joy, i say! experiment with what feels good to your brain and chase that! so much in the world seeks to benefit from your lack of joy and you can fight the powers that be with one (1) good jolt to your innermost id. what is that for you? i'd really like to hear about this.
the other benefit of playing pretend is that you don't get caught up in the trap of "what if i think of something better?" better dialogue, better scenarios, better characterization. there is only now!! playing indie ttrpgs during peak pandemic really helped me get over this. the best answer is the one that's most exciting RIGHT NOW! have fun and let loose.
if you're looking at a great game to play with a friend that speaks to this, i highly recommend "end notes" by elena murphy, in which you embody a fic writer and a commenter in the comment section of their fic. the best version of this game is when you make up your own fandom and put together what this nonexistent fictional property looks like via the negative space around your comments. you'll find a loving comment on the itchio page from me because i have played this game like 5 times and have a blast every time. get on it!
short answer: figuring it out! long answer: a blog post!
my leisure time now looks a lot different than it has in recent years. for a while there i was really going full nose-to-the-grindstone with my art career. and i haven't abandoned that, no, but i'm less intense about it. my eyes aren't glued to residency applications, frantically reworking my cv in pursuit of that coveted opportunity. i'm not signing up for every market or trying to get in on every show. i'm just kinda... letting myself hang out and write with the gay people in my computer!
right now i'm trying to intake more. when i run out of words i realize it's because i haven't read much. when i feel like i'm not imagining very much, it's probably because i haven't watched many movies, read many comics. so i've been trying to get to the movies more and watching more at home. some good irl friends of mine had the smart idea of dropping their streaming services and only going to the library OR our local video rental store (yes they exist and yes it owns). so i'm taking a leaf from their book and it's been nice. also listening to a lot of new music which is fun. considering those "whats in my bag" videos from amoeba records to be music recs.
currently i'm reading a book called "bad taste" by nathalie olah, a book about the politics of what's considered "ugly" and how this is a reflection of hierarchies that we quietly uphold through delineating good vs. bad taste. which has encapsulated a lot of my thoughts and quiet goals i've had for myself the past year. i'm getting more comfortable with the idea that i won't be appealing to everyone, be that through my personality or my appearance. both of which i'm growing to find quite delightful!
i'm also making efforts to be more okay with being uncomfortable, which i've been... remarkably successful at! i'm talking about the discomfort of learning new things and feeling a little out of your depth. i'm talking about your coworker saying some odd bullshit (read: casual unchecked bigotry) and the discomfort of not ignoring it-- asking, hey, what do you mean by that? i'm talking about the discomfort of telling your friends when they're not being very nice. that sort of thing. i think it's a good skill that i've struggled with developing. but 2024 surprised me and i continue to surprise myself! amazing what happens... when you believe!!
ultimately, right now i'm devoted to connecting with others. my friends on a deeper level. my neighbors that i've been too shy to talk to (the discomfort that comes from writing them a little note and the reward of them being very appreciative). my local foodshare volunteers. getting outside my own head is the key to making the inside of it a better place.
allow me, if you will, a soapbox.
i don't subscribe to the doomerism of my peers. now, don't get it twisted-- it's not great out there, and it would be disingenuous to say otherwise. unfortunately, i've always been something of a pessimist, so this may come as a shock to you that i'm saying this, but we're gonna get through this. it puts such a sour taste in my mouth to see the doomerism of a certain brand of folks online who have, it often seems, benefited from a life experience that inclines them to be surprised at how difficult things have become. when could this have happened? when this has been the reality for those who have had it hard for a very, very long time. this isn't to say that anyone's problems are small potatoes (i'm not about THAT train of thought either), more that the experiences of others may give you some insight into how to cope with life's difficulties, maybe show you that there is an imperfect future for us all. and if you're wondering about where i'm coming from with this, i'm a trans person in america so believe me. i get it.
i made an intertextuality post about this topic on my fanfic blog that encapsulates how i feel about all this. the world we live in might change but it'll keep going. we'll be different in it, but we'll be here. and we've got each other. people in power benefit from us turning on each other like hungry wolves-- let's believe in one another instead.
your required reading is "the world keeps ending, the world goes on" by franny choi, a poem anthology about precisely this topic. i think it'll help you if you fall into this line of thinking from time to time.
i think you decide that. i think you know exactly what you need to do. what is that? let me know your thoughts, i really like to hear what you folks have to say. what are you proud of from 2024? what are you proud of now? what are you watching/reading/listening to? provide album recs because i'm working on that cd collection again.
media cited:
1. gif from "omishi magical theatre: risky safety", an anime dvd i found at the thrift store that's delighted me
2. "end notes" by elena murphy
3. "bad taste" by nathalie olah
4. "the world keeps ending, the world goes on" by franny choi
5. "sorcs 80" by osees mentioned in the description
